I am puke
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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