he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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