At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
