Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
