Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She announced her abortion via fbk
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
