The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
i think im in europe. pls send help
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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