Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
