Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
sex in a hospital.. check
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
