i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
We need to get me chipped asap
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
last night I used snow as a chaser
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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