just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
handjob tips. give me some.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
