Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
