dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Randomize
