I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Randomize
