I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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