He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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