apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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