"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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