my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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