U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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