I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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