Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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