we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
