I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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