I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
