Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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