a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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