I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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