He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
