I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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