Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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