Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
