i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
