so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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