What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
