I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
