So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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