Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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