I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
