my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
