You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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