I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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