i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The power of my boobs compel you
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
