my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
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He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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