My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
