I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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