By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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