do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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