yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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