apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
