Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
