Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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