KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
