YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
