I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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