So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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