we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
