He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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